LOTR Goes Titanic
by MiSs-MaYhAm
Summary: What happens when the Fellowship gets stuck on the Titanic? R
1. It All Goes Wrong

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Title: LOTR goes Titanic

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Author: MiSs-MaYhAm

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Pairing: Aragorn/Legolas (only suggested until about chpt.4)

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Rating: PG-13 (language, stupidness and Boromir being a pervert to just about everyone in this messed up fanfic)

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Summary: After falling off of the bridge in Moria the Fellowship end up on the Titanic. Don't ask, just read… attempted HUMOR… R&R

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Warning: Stupidness, crossovers, language, slash and Boromir being a perv.

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Notes: This entire fanfic is written in screenplay format. Some terms to know are: INT and EXT (standing for interior and exterior, which are used when setting a scene) and 'beat', which basically means a silence in or between dialogue**_._**

Disclaimer: These charters are not min but if you want to use the story just ask.

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LOTR Goes Titanic

Chapter One

INT. TITANIC. DECK – NIGHT 

The Titanic sails peacefully on her maiden voyage. The deck is free from all activity. Peacefulness is rudely interrupted… nine bodies land on the deck in an undignified heap. Cue Panic.

Aragorn: Um… was that supposed to happen?

Pippin: _(trying to look around, failing)_ I don't think we're in Moria anymore!

Sam: Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo? Where are we?

Frodo: I don't know! Just because my eyes are bigger than yours are, it would help if this person's foot wasn't in my face! _(beat)_ At least I hope it's a foot…

Legolas: Boromir, is that your horn sticking into my side?

Boromir: _(smirking)_ Um, yes Legolas… you could call it that.

Legolas: Well what else would I call it?

Aragorn: _(quickly)_ Okay! Everybody up!

__

If this order was meant to help their situation, he was sadly mistaken. Nine bodies of different heights and weights trying to stand at once can only end in disaster…

Pippin: Watch the arm! Watch the arm! 

Gimli: Gandalf! Off of the beard! _(beat)_ Oh, sorry, you'll find they're tangled.

Legolas: Boromir, stop falling on top of me!

Boromir: _(smirks)_ My horn must be weighing me down… 

Legolas: _(catching Boromir's meaning, retorts slyly)_ Your horn's normally bigger than that. 

Boromir: Why you… 

__

Some time later… 

The casualties have been picked up and dusted down. Beards have been untangled, horns snapped in half, egos bruised. Aragorn decides to assess the situation.

Aragorn: Right… so lets asses the situation. We were in Moria-

Boromir: We were running and I came to a cliff edge-

Aragorn: Okay…

Boromir: And someone crashed into me!

__

Glares at Legolas who has suddenly become preoccupied with fixing his braids. Looks up to see the rest of the Company staring at him.

Legolas: _(to innocently)_ Yes?

Boromir: You were supposed to pull me back. 

Legolas: Well you should have been looking where you were going. 

Boromir: _(defensively)_ You're the one with the fantastic Elven eyesight. 

Legolas: Well I… _(beat; the others are still staring at him expecting a good answer)_…I made the mistake of looking into Boromir's shield. I, uh, saw my reflection and noticed my hair was looking slightly tousled….

__

There are collective groans. 

Aragorn: You were doing your fucking hair?! 

Legolas: _(eyes turning into pools of tears)_ I only wanted to look nice for you, Aragorn. 

__

He gazes at him from under his lashes. Aragorn smiles forgivingly. The others roll their eyes in disgust.

Aragorn: Well, Legolas obviously isn't at fault for wanting to look good. If anything, we should be blaming Boromir. 

Boromir: Well I object to that… 

Legolas: Well of course _you_ do!-

Gandalf: **I don't care whose to blame!** _(Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir shrink back)_ What matters is that we figure out a way to escape from here!

Boromir: That's how you take charge!

Aragorn: _(defensively)_ Gandalf's older and wiser than I am!-

Boromir: Better looking too-

__

Aragorn looks about ready to kill Boromir. Spits an Elvish curse at him but quickly gets a smack on the head from Gandalf. Legolas runs over to Aragorn's side to see if the Ranger is okay…

Gandalf: That is quite enough you three! And Aragorn… watch the language!

Aragorn: _(still acting like a disobedient three-year-old)_ But he said-

Gandalf: _(raises his hand threateningly)_ **I said enough!** _(looks around, regaining composer and taking in their surroundings)_ I don't think we're in Moria anymore. _(Fellowship looks severely distrot) _I think it's probably the work of Sauron!

__

Suddenly a horrid voice floats through the air. It might be a poor attempt to sing. Cue much panic and ear pain.

Horrid Voice: Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on---

Fellowship: AGH!

__

The Hobbits cling to each other. Boromir, Gimli and Gandalf stand together clutching their ears. Aragorn and Legolas proceed in covering each other's ears. But as soon as the voice comes, it goes. Cue instantly calm yet horrified.

Hobbits: What was that?

Gandalf: It was obviously Sauron's doing! No voice could sound that bad!

Boromir: Maybe this is Limbo! Maybe we're dead and have to stay here forever listening to that HORRIBLE… singing? would you call it?

Aragorn: I fear that too.

Boromir: _(shocked)_ So we're agreeing on something?!

Aragorn: Don't push your luck horn boy! _(Boromir pouts)_

Meanwhile…

INT. TITANIC. UPPER CLASS CABIN ROOM – NIGHT 

__

A young man and woman are in the middle of passionate lovemaking. Rather suddenly an old, oddly dressed man with long, white hair crashes down on top of them. Cue Much screaming. The man jumps off quickly and kicks the two out rather rudely.

Saruman: Well… shit.


	2. More Mayham

INT. TITANIC. DECK – NIGHT 

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A lone figure sprawls out across a bench, looking up at the stars. He might be trying to look soulful, but he is actually just lazy. He is Jack Dawson, a pretty boy with striking highlights that probably wouldn't have come into existence until the 1970's at least. He seems unconcerned by this, however. Right now, he is trying to muster up enough energy to go save the freaky lady that is threatening to jump off the front of the ship. 

Jack: Okay. Walk up to the lady, make witty banter, charm her into staying put. Right this is easy.

__

Some time later…

Jack: Any time now.

__

Even more time passes…

Jack: Come on legs, work!

__

Awhile more…

Rose: Are you going to save me or not, asshole?

__

He blinks. Such language is certainly not becoming of a painfully upper-class lady in this day and age. He wonders briefly if he has just stepped into a strange alternative universe. He obviously can't hear the typing going on directly above his head; otherwise he might have given it more attention. 

Finally, he gets up and wanders over aimlessly. Rose De-oh-I-can-never-remember-her-name is hanging perilously over the front of the boat. He stifles a yawn. 

Jack: Um, you probably shouldn't do that.

Rose: Oh my life is so horrible! How cursed I am, with my lovely dresses and all my many Monet paintings. Not to mention this bloody big engagement ring. Sometimes I think my fiancée is just compensating for something. 

__

Beat. Jack blinks.

Jack: Riiiight! _{woodenly}_ Don't jump. I jumped once, I was cold. If you jump you will be cold too.

Rose: My saviour! You have convinced me that life is worth living after all! How can I ever repay you? 

Jack: _[humming under his breath]_ The best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and bees, I want your money…. _[looks up to see her staring at him, bemused]_ Um, I mean… I desire nothing else than for you to climb back over to this side of the boat. 

Rose: It shall be done, mon chere. 

Jack: Uh…Spanish, right? 

Rose: No, French! You've never been to Paris? 

Jack: Oh, the place with the prostitutes? Yeah, sure… Met this guy there called Christian. Man, was that guy obsessed with the Moulin Rouge. We had some good times, though… 

__

The typing screeches to a halt as the writer desperately tries to stop another fandom from entering the fray. Finally, with all thoughts of Ewan singing 'Your Song' pushed to the back of her mind, she carries on… 

Rose: Will you help me over, my darling? 

Jack: Whatever. 

__

Jack helps Rose over rather clumsily. Rose falls over on Jack…

Rose: Oops. How clumsy of me. 

Jack: Not a problem. Can you get up now, though? 

Rose: This silly dress, all these petticoats. Seem to be getting in the way. 

Jack: _[panicking]_ Of what?! 

Rose: There's no need to act fey, my love. We were meant to be together. We can be like Anthony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet… Britney and Justin… 

Jack: Who? 

Rose: Actually, scrap the last one. Would never have worked out anyway. 

__

Suddenly, a lone dark figure approaches them at this most inconvenient time. 

Rose: Oh no, it must be my fiancée, Cal. Why, he would kill any man who he thought was threatening his bride to be… 

__

Actually, it is not Cal. It is not anyone remotely resembling Cal… 

Boromir: Oh, most sorry. Do carry on. 

Jack: That's your fiancée? 

Rose: _[disgusted]_ No! Oh, where the hell is he? This was his cue… 

Boromir: Please carry on… 

Rose: _[wailing]_ I want out of my engagement! Where is he? 

Boromir: _[desperately]_ I'll pay you. 

Jack: Well this is just getting ridiculous. 

__

He stands up with unceremonious force, leaving Rose glaring up at him from the floor. 

Rose: How dare you?! I'm rich! I'm beautiful… 

Boromir: _[to Jack, a little too eager]_ I'm Boromir. 

Jack: Um, hi. 

__

Boromir shakes his hand vigorously. Jack begins to suspect something is a little off here. 

Jack: Um, have you met my secret lover, Rose? 

__

He pulls her up and puts his arm round her shoulder, grinning widely. 

Jack: _[through gritted teeth]_ Rose, say hello to the nice savage man. 

Rose: _[seductively]_ Hello, Boromir. My my, that's a big horn you have there. 

Boromir: You want to stroke it? 

Rose: Not on our first date, you bad boy! 

__

Suddenly, the ships horn goes off. Boromir looks down at his horn, puzzled. 

Boromir: Can it be? Two horns of Gondor? 

__

Like a moth to a flame, the other eight in the fellowship come running out of nowhere, weapons at the ready. Okay, so not entirely like a moth… 

Jack and Rose: Aggggggghhhh!!! 

Aragorn: Boromir, are you in mortal danger? 

Boromir: No. 

Aragorn: Did you sit on one of the Hobbits? 

Boromir: _[looking at the bemused Hobbits]_ No… 

Aragorn: Then why did you blow the horn? 

Boromir: I did not! I sense devilry… 

Legolas: _[snorting]_ Well there's a surprise. 

Rose: _[eyes shining with lust]_ Boromir, won't you introduce me to your friend… 

Boromir: Him? That's Legolas. I feel I should warn you though; if you try anything with him, Aragorn will kick your ass. 

__

He points at Aragorn, who is staring at Rose with barely disguised contempt. She takes a step back. 

Rose: Uh… nice sword… 

Boromir: And that's despite the fact that Legolas could probably kick all of our asses in approximately five seconds, without even breaking into a sweat. 

__

Legolas is not listening, however. Neither is Jack. Both have suddenly noticed that their reigning role of prettiest boy in their own particular fandom is under serious threat. 

Legolas: Nice hair. How long did that take you to do? 

Jack: Three hours… And you? 

Legolas: _[sighing with relief]_ Four and a half. 

Jack: _[fuming]_ What about your clothes? How long did it take you to accessorise? 

Legolas: Six hours. 

Jack: Ha! Seven!

Legolas: _[breaking into a sweat]_ Well… How many beings have declared their love for you? 

Jack: Forty-one.

__

He looks imploringly at Rose. 

Rose: I love you, Jack. 

Jack: Make that forty-two. _[smug]_ And you? 

Legolas: Thirty-nine women…. _[long beat. Jack is savouring his victory]_ And sixty-two men. 

Gandalf: Oh, Legolas, I never told thee how much I love you. 

Legolas: Sorry, make that sixty-three. And that's not even including the Orcs. _[Jack is speechless]_ Sorry, 'friend', I guess you're just not pretty enough. 

Jack: _[screaming]_ Let me at him! 

__

He lunges himself at Legolas, who pulls out his bow and arrow quicker than you can say 'cat fight'. Jack stops as the tip touches his head. 

Legolas: You were saying? 

Jack: _[nervous, bordering on the psychotic, laughter]_ Um… nothing. Nothing at all. Rose, I think it was time we started going, yes? 

Rose: _[still eyeing Aragorn warily]_ Excellent idea, sweetheart. 

__

They back away slowly. Then, they break into an ungainly sprint and disappear indoors. 

Legolas: Well, that was fun. 

Frodo: _[miserably]_ But now we have nobody to tell us where we are. 

Gandalf: Fear not, my dear Frodo. I suspect that everything shall fall into place very, very soon. 

__

Right on cue, a falling Elf crashes to the deck. Galadriel stands up, looking composed despite the broken bits of deck sticking out of her hair. Her ethereal glow acts as a beacon in the dark. 

Sam: Look at that, Mr Frodo. Gandalf finally got something right.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Hey people! I just wanted to say thanks to Becki, who was the one who told me to update this weird little crossover… :P Note that none of these characters are mine no matter how much I wish they were L O well, R&R please!!! 


	3. Even More Messedupness?

Even More Messed-up-ness?

INT. TITANIC. DECK – NIGHT 

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The Fellowship stare at Galadriel, aghast. Gandalf begins the inevitable process of backing away behind Aragorn very, very quietly. 

Galadriel: _[annoyed]_ Hello Gandalf. Long time no see. 

Gandalf: _[peering out sheepishly]_ Ah yes, Galadriel… How long has it been? A few months? 

Galadriel: Try a few years. A few _hundred_ years. 

__

The Fellowship look from Galadriel to Gandalf, and back to Galadriel again. Galadriel stares at the wizard expectantly. 

Gandalf: Really, that long? 

Galadriel: No birthday presents, no postcards, no child-benefit money… 

Legolas: Hold it just right there! Child benefit money? 

Aragorn: Something you're not telling us, Gandalf? 

Gandalf: But it wasn't my fault! I tried to commit, really I did… But there was all that fuss about what our children would end up looking like, and then you shacked up with that fool of a Celeborn…. 

Galadriel: Celeborn is not a fool! He's twice the man you are. 

Legolas: _[barely able to disguise his laughter]_ I'd take that as a major insult, Gandalf. 

Frodo: It doesn't sound so bad to me… 

Legolas: You obviously haven't met Celeborn. 

Gandalf: …and then there was that business with the Hobbit weed, and after that, well, I found it extremely difficult to show my face in Lothlorien again… 

Galadriel: Ah yes, that business. The painters and decorators still haven't managed to get your underwear down from the ceiling, incidentally. 

Gandalf: Besides, we were on our way to visit you. _[insert dramatic irony here]_ Not even the mightiest Balrog would have kept me away _[end dramatic irony]_. You look terrific, by the way. Have you changed your hair? 

Galadriel: _[pleased]_ Well yes, actually… Had it permed, since you ask. 

Legolas: Never mind Galadriel. We can't all be naturally beautiful. 

Galadriel: When was the last time you checked your roots, Legolas? 

Legolas: Two days ago. _[panicking]_ What's wrong with them? 

Galadriel: _[stage whisper]_ You might want to check them again. 

__

Legolas joins Gandalf in hiding behind Aragorn. 

Aragorn: _[turning to comfort him]_ Legolas, you look fine. 

Legolas: _[screaming]_ Stop looking at me, bitch! 

Galadriel: Right, now that's out of the way with, I suppose you want me to tell you where we are? 

All: We surely do! 

Galadriel: _[giving them all an odd look]_ Right… well, we're on a boat. 

Boromir: But we were not near the ocean. I sense devilry! 

Galadriel: No, well, about that… It seems that the horrors of Moria were more vast than we ever imagined. The dwarfs dug too deeply… 

Gimli: _[muttering]_ Here we go. Let's pick on the dwarfs… 

Galadriel: _[glaring at him]_ … and happened across another world. It is simply called Earth. 

Pippin: What kind of a stupid name is Earth? It doesn't even make sense. Now Middle Earth, that's a proper name… 

Merry: Pippin! The scary Elf lady is trying to speak. 

Pippin: Oops. Sorry… 

Galadriel: Many years ago, when the Dwarfs first discovered Earth, a group of them ventured forth to see what horrors would await them. But whatever their terrible expectations, nothing could possibly prepare them for what they actually found… 

Boromir: Devilry? 

Legolas: Witchcraft? 

Sam: Cling film? _[everyone turns to stare at him in bemusement]_ Well I think it's scary… 

Galadriel: _[growing more and more annoyed]_ No! Not cling film! 

Aragorn: Well what then? 

__

Everyone stares at her expectantly. It suddenly dawns on her that she's meant to answer. 

Galadriel: Well I don't know. They never came back. 

Gandalf: So the point of this story was…? 

Galadriel: I don't know. Add some suspense, I suppose… 

Aragorn: Well surely you know something? You were saying we were on a boat. Where are we headed? 

Galadriel: To the US of A 

Sam: _[trembling with terror]_ The what what of what? 

Aragorn: So how do we get back to Middle Earth? 

Galadriel: Ah yes, about that. Apparently, what with all the many crossovers happening in the fandom, there won't be an opening in the time-space continuum for a few days at least. 

Pippin: Crossover? 

Merry: Fandom? 

Galadriel: I've got no clue either. Just go with it. Anyway, as I was saying, we've got to wait this out for a few days, until they can fit us in, so in the mean time, we should probably just relax. 

Gimli: Who are 'they'? 

Galadriel: _[annoyed]_ I told you, I haven't a clue. Random messages keep popping into my head, and I'm just spurting them out. Oooh, wait, here's another one… We can't relax. A mortal enemy is on the boat. Oh, how annoying. I wanted to catch up on my sunbathing. 

Gandalf: Who could this mortal enemy possibly be? And what would he be doing in this strange Earth place? 

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INT. TITANIC. UPPERCLASS CABIN – NIGHT 

__

Saruman has kicked out the lovers he so rudely interrupted, and has set up office in the cabin. As his props are limited, he has had to make the best of a bad situation by dimming the lights and humming evil music under his breath at dramatic intervals. At this moment in time, he is trying to summon up an orc or two. 

Saruman: A syndasama squashed banana… _[beat]_ That doesn't sound quite right… Oh, where are the big snowy mountains when I need them? Will someone throw me a fricken bone here? I'm the boss. Need the info. 

__

Suddenly, as more of a desperate attempt to stop the Dr. Evil impersonation than as a gesture of kindness, the writer chucks in a couple of Random Urak-Hai. 

Saruman: Thank you. 

Random Urak-Hai 1: Uh, who are you speaking to, boss? 

Saruman: Damned if I know. Or, indeed, damned if I don't, ha… A joke, y'see… Damned… Because, I am damned… Little joke? You can laugh… 

__

The Random Urak-Hai look at each other and laugh nervously. 

Saruman: Right, you can stop now. 

Random Urak-Hai 2: Thanks. 

Saruman: Well, I suppose you'll want to know what we're doing here? _[the Random Urak-Hai shrug]_ Yes, well, me too. I've deduced that we are in some kind of eternal Hell, where the ground is constantly moving, thus making me feel just a little, well, sick. I am almost certain that this is that stupid fop Gandalf's doing, who is irrationally jealous of me because I have better hair than him, not to mention longer nails. I think that possibly, he may be near, along with the rest of his little Fellowship, which also includes the ring-bearer. Are you following me? _[the Random Urak-Hai shrug]_ Therefore, we must find the fellowship, steal the ring, and oh… there was something else… what was it? _[he drums his nails on the sideboard. The Random Urak-Hai cringe]_ Ah, yes, I must tell Legolas that I love him. Then hopefully, once I have the ring, I can magic myself back to Middle Earth. _[the Random Urak-Hai look up sharply]_ I mean, I can magic _us_ back to Middle Earth. Is that clear? _[they nod]_ Excellent. And then I can demand that the people of Middle Earth pay me _[beat]_ one billion dollars! Muhahahahahahahahaha… Join in… _[the Random Urak-Hai sigh before joining in]_

All: Muhahahahahahahahahahaha! Muhahahahahahahahahahaha! Muhahahahahahahahahahaha! 

Saruman: Okay, you can shut up now. 

*~*

Thanks to Becki for all the great reviews. Warning: next chapter WILL have slash so if you don't like it, don't read.

Um, is messed-up-ness a word? R&R


	4. Confrontations and an Awkward Meeting…

Confrontations and an Awkward Meeting…

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INT.TITANIC. DECK - NIGHT 

__

The Fellowship have decided to split up to search for the mortal enemy in their midst. Sam and Frodo are taking a romantic moonlight stroll out on the deck. 

Frodo: I think that Rose chick was checking me out. 

Sam: _[instantly alert]_ I'm going to kill her! 

Frodo: Why? She was hot! 

Sam: Did you… you really thought so? 

Frodo: Hell yeah! I'd definitely do her. 

Sam: But Mr Frodo, what about the thing you said last night? 

Frodo: What thing? 

Sam: You know, that… thing… 

Frodo: I have no idea what you're talking about, Sam. 

Sam: Oh. _[he unexpectedly bursts into tears. Frodo pays no attention.]_

Frodo: I mean, I know she asked to be introduced to Legolas, but that was probably only out of politeness. She was probably too shy to speak to me. I get that with women. A lot of them are overwhelmed by my sheer animal attraction. Don't you think, Sam? 

Sam: I love you Mr Frodo. 

Frodo: I know, Sam. You tell me at least five times a day. It's just a shame that hot women can't openly admit it like you can. 

Sam: I'd do anything for you, Mr Frodo. 

Frodo: Really? Would you set me up on a date with her? 

Sam: No, I didn't mean… 

Frodo: Oh Sam, you're such a good friend. I'm glad you're with me. 

__

He hugs him emotionally. Sam sighs. 

Sam: Anything you say, Mr Frodo. 

****

INT. TITANIC. ANOTHER PART OF THE DECK - AT THE SAME TIME 

Aragorn: Legolas, I wanted to tell you something… 

Legolas: Could you believe Galadriel earlier? Trying to imply that my hair wasn't natural. _[pouts]_

Aragorn: …And it may shock you at first, but it's something you have to know anyway. 

Legolas: My hair is one hundred percent natural. Just because I know how to style it properly. She doesn't even braid hers! Honestly… 

Aragorn: I don't really know how to say it, so I'm just going to come right out with it… 

Legolas: I happen to know that she gets a face-lift every hundred years. Why do you think she's got that permanently vacant expression on her face? Wise, my ass. She just doesn't know how to look any other way. 

Aragorn: I love you, Legolas. 

Legolas: _[finally paying attention]_ What?! Why didn't you tell me earlier? I could have added you to my number! That would have shown Jack. 

Aragorn: No, I love you more than anybody else that ever said it to you. I love you for more than your looks, although they admittedly are extremely pleasant… 

Legolas: You just have an Elf fetish. 

Aragorn: I do not! 

Legolas: One word, sweetheart: Arwen. 

Aragorn: She was a phase! 

Legolas: _[snorting]_ Try telling her that. I overheard her telling Elrond that the two of you are getting married. 

Aragorn: What?! 

Legolas: Yup. _[he does an uncanny Arwen expression]_ I have chosen a mortal life, Father. I love Aragorn more than the setting sun. 

Aragorn: Why does she love the setting sun? 

Legolas: Dunno. Think she just said it to sound poetic. 

Aragorn: This is bad. And why is she giving up her immortality? 

Legolas: Well, didn't she tell you? 

Aragorn: I think I remembered her saying something. I was a bit stoned that night, actually. Damn Hobbit weed. And I kept imagining it was you there, instead of her. 

Legolas: Oh, that's sweet. 

Aragorn: _[seeing he's on to a good thing]_ I always imagine I'm with you, even when we're, you know… 

Legolas: _[shudders] _Agh, too much information. I really don't want to think of her in bed. 

Aragorn: Cause she's like a sister to you? 

Legolas: No, because I'm afraid of what other places she'd glow from. 

__

They both do a collective shudder. With that horrible thought out of the way, they carry on. 

Aragorn: I'll dump her the next time I see her. For you. 

Legolas: Wait a second… you don't expect me to give up my immortality for you, do you? 

Aragorn: Well, not if you didn't want to… it'd be nice, though… 

Legolas: Forget it. I'm not as desperate as Arwen. _[he sees Aragorn's hurt face]_ That's not to say that I don't like you, though. You're even hunkier than Boromir. 

Aragorn: _[overjoyed]_ You really mean that?! 

Legolas: Hell yeah. You even manage to pull off that whole icky facial hair thing. 

Aragorn: Damn, I wish Boromir was here. 

Legolas: He is. He's hiding under that bench over there. Think he's waiting for us to get it on. 

Aragorn: _[outraged]_ What?!!! 

Legolas: I know. We better not disappoint him. 

__

He grabs Aragorn and proceeds to kiss him. Hard. They hear a loud bang as Boromir tries to see better, only for him to bump his head on the base of the bench. Then they hear another loud bang, followed by a lot of pain. A figure has suddenly landed on top of them. They don't need to look to guess who it is. 

Aragorn: Arwen, how lovely of you to drop in. 

Arwen: _[standing up, deliberately trampling on the two of them]_ Hello, honey. Would you mind telling me what the hell is going on? 

Aragorn: Well isn't it obvious? Legolas here was, uh, choking… yes, choking! I was just given him a spot of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 

Legolas: _[coughing feebly]_ He was very good, Arwen. And might I just say, that's a lovely colour of green you're glowing today. Oh no, wait… that's just your face… 

Arwen: Shut up, Legolas. Will someone tell me what the hell I'm doing here? 

Aragorn: Well isn't it obvious? To get in between me and Legolas getting together, so all the slash fans hate you. _[beat]_ And I have no idea why I just said that. 

Arwen: _[beyond furious]_ Legolas, would you mind giving us a minute? I much desire to speak with Aragorn. 

Legolas: _[grinning widely]_ Sure thing, Arwen. _[to Aragorn]_ Good luck, luv. 

__

He walks off, laughing. Arwen turns to Aragorn, furious. 

Aragorn: I can explain everything… 

*~*

Okay, so there's part four. I know it's a bit of a cliff-hanger but it was such a perfect time to finish this part!

Note to people who want to know… after this part, my pen name will become Cypheria and this series might move into LOTR instead of crossovers. R&R.


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